Tuesday, February 13, 2007

On Imperfect Things Which Could Stand to be Improved

Girl Scouts' Trefoils. As a young, entreprenaurial scout, I tried not to pass judgment on my customer's choices, but when someone did ask if I had these, I was immediately suspect, as if preferring bland shortbread cookies to Samoas was the manifestation of some sort of dangerous kink in their personality. I half-expected the next words out of their mouthsto be "Also, how much do you want for that sash? Unwashed."

Tonic. I've got my own personal issues with tonic, but those aside, I don't understand why this is such a popular mixer. Is it because the horrifically bitter flavor distracts the taste buds from the bite of the accompanying liquor? Couldn't the same thing be said of, say, a kick to the groin? And yet no one orders a Gin and Kick to the Groin.

Revolving doors. At what point did a normal door become not good enough? I am near certain that one of these doors will be directly responsible for my death. The only thing that suppresses my rage towards the inventor each and every time I get stuck in one of these is picturing the look on women's faces in bars as he says to them "Me? I'm a door architect."

Stressballs. "Man, what a crappy existence. If only I could symbolically channel all of my existential worries and concerns over my future into a foam ball shaped like a smiley face. Ah, all better now."

New Jersey Town Names. Hackensack? Mahwah? Tewksbury? It's a rare place that sounds like you'd imagine it smells, but Jersey seems to nail it every time. We can't all live in Celebration or Winter Haven, but at least Florida manages to at least pretend that it's something other than God's Waiting Room.

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At February 14, 2007 12:45 AM, Blogger Joe said...

I have pissed my pants twice in two consecutive posts here.


At February 14, 2007 8:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As for tonic, it all depends on the amount of gin you pour. One third gin, two thirds tonic is OK but 50-50 is even better. Use Gordon's Export if you can and add a slice of lime.

At February 14, 2007 10:33 AM, Anonymous will said...

PA has a town called "intercourse." i want to live there.

At February 14, 2007 2:56 PM, Blogger TK said...

Yeah well, PA also has a town called "King of Prussia". Doesn't get much dumber than that.

My favorite New Jersey towns are, hands down: Baptistown, Cokesville, Buckshutem and Mount Joy.

Incidentally, Cokesville and Mount Joy are not nearly as fun as they sound.

Fun blog.

At February 14, 2007 3:06 PM, Blogger riese said...

I could not agree more, I was always like "really? the shortbread cookies? are you just buying these to be nice? have you HAD a peanut butter pattie before, ever?"

At February 14, 2007 4:14 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

I can't make up my mind which thing is the funniest....okay, here's my choice - and it's a tie: the revolving door being ultimately responsible for your death and the NJ town names. Recently I drove on the NJ turnpike and was endlessly entertained by the names. Is that a Yankee thing?

At February 14, 2007 8:33 PM, Blogger TFKoP said...

Pennsylvania also has a town called Blue Ball. And believe it or not, it's right next to Intercourse, PA.


At February 15, 2007 9:09 AM, Blogger Catherine said...

Tfkop: Actually, there is also Virginville, PA, right next to Intercourse and Blue Ball. So if you're driving a certain direction (I think it's Northwest), you pass through Virginville, Blue Ball, and Intercourse right in a row.

The shortbread cookies are my favorite. For serious. They are so good in milk.

At February 15, 2007 3:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, if there were a Taintville somewhere near Blue Ball, Virginville and Intercourse THAT would be somethin'!

At February 15, 2007 3:55 PM, Anonymous chinese eric. said...

too good. good f-ing lord.

At February 16, 2007 12:27 PM, Blogger Liz said...

You also pass Bird in Hand, PA and Mountville, PA. But the absolute best has to be that there are twelve towns in PA named for the beaver, including Beaver Center, Beaver Valley, Big Beaver, New Beaver and Shy Beaver. Is this punishment for the Amish, or reward?

At February 19, 2007 7:14 PM, Anonymous Charles Star said...

The comment wherein a comedian says a few not funny things:

1. Trefoils are amazing. Simple, buttery, delicious. No bells and whistles, I suppose, but as an adult the Samoas and Peanut Butter things induce sugar shock.

2. Revolving doors are designed to keep out the wind and cold air without needing double doors.

3. I once paid $40 for a gin and a kick to the groin. Best money I ever spent.

At February 22, 2007 8:34 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

As a child, I always judged people by the cookies they ate. And the GS Trefoils are boring. (I do like vanilla ice cream, though.)


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