Thursday, February 01, 2007

Things I Would Do if I Had an Identical Twin

1. Commit multiple jewel heists. If caught, exploit courtroom loophole involving identical twins/fingerprints, get off scott free. Sell jewels, give Twin twenty bucks or a gift card or something.
2. Secretly switch with Twin before her wedding, wait until my turn at the "I dos", scream "I DON'T!". After a lengthy pause for effect, say "Because I'm Twin's sister. Shouldn't you be able to recognize the woman you're going to marry? Just kidding, I'm sure you'll be very happy together."
3. Feign a life-threatening illness for Twin, and inform employer that I am the only one able to donate (unspecified, made-up bodily fluid). Take two months off work to "heal".
4. Starting at infancy, slowly build a sororial relationship based on fear and subservience, so that once we reach adulthood, I can force her to wait in line for me at the DMV.
5. Steal all her nice clothes, obviously.
6. When my sister dies, pretend it's me and host an open-casket wake, then listen to what everyone says about me. Depending on what people say/the hassle of switching a death certificate/how much time I've got left anyway, switch back after the funeral, but not before Twin's family has sprung for my headstone.
7. For every person that makes an attempt at a witty Sweet Valley High reference, look them in the eyes and say "Well, we were triplets, but the other one died."
8. Never tell anyone that I have a twin. Hide similarly-dressed Twin in the bathroom, gather friends for leisurely shrooming session, then eat harmless dummy shrooms. Spend the afternoon fucking with their heads.
9. When douchebags in bars inquire about the possibility of a threesome, tell them that one of us has the clap. Are they a gambling man?
10. Every time our parents accidentally call us by the wrong name, sob violently and claim to be unloved. Take the ensuing guilt to the bank at Christmas and birthdays.
11. Take up a hard-drinking, hard-partying lifestyle. When organs fail, play upon Twin's sense of sisterly duty, then demand one of each of hers.

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At February 01, 2007 3:16 PM, Blogger Garrett Reid said...

"Well, we were triplets, but the other one died." - Super fantastic. I would go to parties and pretend I didn't know my twin and when people argue, insisting, "but you look exactly alike!" I would sort-of squint and say, "I don't really see it."

Excellent blog by the way.

At February 01, 2007 4:19 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

#9 caused me to choke on my gum. Thanks.

And ditto for what garrett said: excellent blog.

At February 01, 2007 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a new reader to your blog--this post seriously made me laugh out loud--awesome.

At February 02, 2007 4:42 AM, Blogger ScottyB said...

pretty damn funny.

At February 02, 2007 9:19 AM, Blogger Eric Adam said...

re: #5 - why would she have nice clothes, and you not?

At February 02, 2007 10:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, RubberBuns, what can I say? I am an identical twin. Not the weird kind- my brother and I hardly ever wear the exact same thing, except for when that "thing" happens to be nothing, and we are exercising process #8. Though I would like to point out that most of your ideas have in fact been implemented by us at some point in our twin history, or twistory, if you will.
Throughout college (I went in Mass and he went in VT) our respective groups of friends never believed that either one of us had a "duel" (that's twinspeak for "twin") and since we didn't really like eachother that much, we never visited eachother until our graduation weekends, where we undertook twin antics a plenty, and hilarity ensued. Imagine having a friend for four years and then out of the blue some random dude with the same DNA walks up to you and starts acting like some huge asshole. Pretty crazy, I know. I'd tell you even more similarly awesome stories, but you probably don't even read these comments, so I'll leave it at that. BTW- I came over to your site at Mulgrew's urging, and I have to admit that this is probably my new favorite time bandit at work. Keep it up.

At February 02, 2007 10:52 AM, Blogger Garthmeister J. said...

I seem to have taken up #11, but without first checking to see if I have an identical twin. Poor planning on my part.

At February 02, 2007 1:28 PM, Blogger The Clyde said...

I think your twin would beat the sh!t out of you if you tried all that.

At February 03, 2007 10:16 PM, Blogger shirley said...

Well I'm Chinese so I assume I could use all these ideas with any random Asian chick. Or you, if you straightened your hair. Mmm, yes.

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