Things I Would Do if I Had an Identical Twin

1. Commit multiple jewel heists. If caught, exploit courtroom loophole involving identical twins/fingerprints, get off scott free. Sell jewels, give Twin twenty bucks or a gift card or something.
2. Secretly switch with Twin before her wedding, wait until my turn at the "I dos", scream "I DON'T!". After a lengthy pause for effect, say "Because I'm Twin's sister. Shouldn't you be able to recognize the woman you're going to marry? Just kidding, I'm sure you'll be very happy together."
3. Feign a life-threatening illness for Twin, and inform employer that I am the only one able to donate (unspecified, made-up bodily fluid). Take two months off work to "heal".
4. Starting at infancy, slowly build a sororial relationship based on fear and subservience, so that once we reach adulthood, I can force her to wait in line for me at the DMV.
5. Steal all her nice clothes, obviously.
6. When my sister dies, pretend it's me and host an open-casket wake, then listen to what everyone says about me. Depending on what people say/the hassle of switching a death certificate/how much time I've got left anyway, switch back after the funeral, but not before Twin's family has sprung for my headstone.
7. For every person that makes an attempt at a witty Sweet Valley High reference, look them in the eyes and say "Well, we were triplets, but the other one died."
8. Never tell anyone that I have a twin. Hide similarly-dressed Twin in the bathroom, gather friends for leisurely shrooming session, then eat harmless dummy shrooms. Spend the afternoon fucking with their heads.
9. When douchebags in bars inquire about the possibility of a threesome, tell them that one of us has the clap. Are they a gambling man?
10. Every time our parents accidentally call us by the wrong name, sob violently and claim to be unloved. Take the ensuing guilt to the bank at Christmas and birthdays.
11. Take up a hard-drinking, hard-partying lifestyle. When organs fail, play upon Twin's sense of sisterly duty, then demand one of each of hers.