Monday, February 05, 2007

From Rags to Slightly More Expensive Rags

Walking to the subway this morning, fresh off losing some cash in what might be the least desirable real estate ever found on a Super Bowl scoring grid--I think I would have had a better chance if I'd drawn the decimal places or pi-- I spotted an unscratched lotto ticket on the ground. A longtime fan of Cashwords, which also double as currency in my family, I had just purchased the same type of ticket last night, to no avail, so the significance of finding a lotto ticket, on the ground, hours after losing on the very same ticket was not lost. I've seen enough movies to recognize the universal sign for "You're going to win a fortune and your life will change forever". But while Charlie had to go through the emotional turmoil of the Chocolate Factory tour and that creepy bubble room before he got his golden ticket, a lifetime spent immersed in feel-good movies means I have the luxury of already knowing this ticket is my way outta here, without having to scratch it off and go through any of that Not Poor, Just Broke nonsense.

Taking a lesson from the good people who wrote King Ralph, I've decided to sit on it for awhile and assess my life, so I'll know who my genuine friends are and what I truly value in life and all that shit, at least until rent's due. The universe doesn't tell me things very often--I think my last epiphany was "You didn't need that last shot", which didn't really do me much good post facto--so I intend to milk this missive for all it's worth and see what kind of future insight I can interpret from the ticket itself:

EARN and RETRY. I'll admit, this doesn't look promising. This pretty much guarantees some sort of crisis/comical mixup in which I end up sleeping on the streets or in jail, before I learn my lesson and end up broke, but happy. Nice and all, but I think I'd rather just get the riches and leave it at that.

RAT. This either points to a future betrayal of trust by a 1920s racketeer, or an actual rat. If given the choice, I'll probably go with the rodent.

HOE. I wish the glare was covering up an "S", but it's not. The universe called me a ho, and misspelled it at that. Cheeky little cosmos.

TIME. I bet every time someone goes to the universe with some crisis and asks for answers to their vapid life questions and the universe is all sick and tired of having to tell people that they should follow their hearts and leave their corporate jobs etc., it's just like "Ummmm....time?", and people get all wide-eyed and nod their heads solemnly and walk away changed, and the universe is just like, "Man, you people are suckers."

PECAN and APE. These don't really fit in here, I'm guessing they're more of a "rosebud" type clue that will make sense to me at some crucial point in the future. I look forward to the day when a mysterious stranger in some Moroccan bar whispers the word "Pecan" to me and everything comes together.

PLAQUE. I have no doubt in my mind that my mother is somehow behind this one. You might think that it seems like an awful lot of trouble to tap into the underlying machinations of the universe just to badger your daughter about flossing, but you would be vastly understimating my mother's committment to nagging. In fact, I'm sure she was going to to go with "TARTAR", but decided to throw the "Q" as punishment for my last cavity.

FLAW. Jesus, I get it. Greed is the root of all evil, don't let it corrupt me. Losing subtelty points fast.

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At February 05, 2007 2:20 PM, Blogger WD to Evers to Chance said...

But... but.. Rubber buns... how great a fortune did this card leave you with???

Also, the single most unfortunate square to have on a superbowl board is 2-2. Only one game (including the regular season and playoffs) since the in 1970 merger of the AFL and NFL fulfilled that square. It was week 13 in 2004, Bills 42 - Dolphins 32. And now that I have exhausted today's store of worthless information, I am going to go do some work... or something...

At February 05, 2007 5:15 PM, Blogger Serena said...

A crossword lotto...

I once got one and one of the words was "LOSER."

Take a guess how much money I didn't win.

At February 06, 2007 9:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It looks like this has already been scratched. Real degenerate gamblers sometimes just scratch where they know the code letters will be to see if they won. It looks like that was done on your ticket.

At February 06, 2007 10:40 PM, Anonymous Marla said...

I am that degenerate gambler. I saw the scratched code letters. I knew before this blog even started what the deal was. In my defense, I'm from Kansas were the lottery tickets are literally "Beef N' Bucks" If you don't win bucks, you could win beef. So having having a minor (albeit degenerate) gambling problem is just what goes along with filling your gas tank.


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