Friday, August 11, 2006

Things I Do When I Come Home Drunk, Because I Can't Just Go to Bed Like a Normal Person

Respond to ex-boyfriend's email in what I think is incredibly subtle, superior way, but is, in fact, glaringly obvious and kind of nonsensical.

Scrub my toilet (vomiting provides a unique POV from which to view the detrimental effects of splashback)

Buy scratchoff lotto tickets (Cashword variety). Win. Rejoice. Go to sleep and forget about it. Wake up, win again. Rejoice again.

Watch TV shows that I have DVRed, erase them. Go to sleep, forget what I watched. Wake up, regret.

Vow to write a seminal play/book/article, make mark on the world, enter annals of history. Go to sleep. Wake up. Don't write seminal play/book/article, make mark on the world, enter annals of history.

Dance "sexily" in front of mirror. Marvel at the picture of grace and elegance that is me.

Eat Slim Jims by, like, the gross.

Spill shit everywhere.

Listen to Stevie Winwood's greatest hits, feel great love for the world and all of the little quirks that we call life, soar on cloud of possibility. Go to sleep and forget about it. Wake up, scratch self, face another bleak day of quiet desperation and indecision.

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At August 11, 2006 1:49 PM, Anonymous 4416 chinaman said...

Don't forget:

Attempt to sing along with the RENT soundtrack at full volume. Halfway through "Seasons of Love," realize that CD is stereo is not RENT at all, but rather some mixed CD you burned the last time you were drunk. Tracks include opening theme to LAST OF THE MOHICANS and "Lust for Life."

At August 11, 2006 9:38 PM, Blogger shirley said...

Chrrrist, I need to hang out with you on 1/2 day Fridays more often!

At August 12, 2006 11:39 PM, Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

nothing that another couple of STRAIGHT WHISKEYS can't take care of!!

At August 13, 2006 12:09 PM, Blogger shirley said...

Tag you're it!

At August 17, 2006 4:48 PM, Blogger Kate said...

Or, you could be Crystal, and vomit on me. That's a good idea.

At August 27, 2006 7:27 PM, Blogger saryn said...

The finer things keep shining through, how my soul gets lost in you...oh wait. Does that count as "Stevie"? Because he was technically just "Steve" at that point.

At August 29, 2006 7:53 AM, Blogger stephen said...

Ha ha Steve Winwood.. "Bring me a Higher Love" and all that?

At September 01, 2006 10:52 AM, Blogger Little Late, Dear said...

ha ha ha ha ha rubber buns and liquor, I just got it!

At September 26, 2006 8:21 PM, Blogger Maritza said...

I can't read anymore. I'm laughing so hard I have tears (don't be jealous) streaming down my face. You're killing me!

At January 25, 2007 12:09 PM, Blogger Drunken Pig Boxer said...

Annals of history?? Kinky!! Woo hoo!

Oh wait. Two "n"s. Bummer.

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