Things I Do When I Come Home Drunk, Because I Can't Just Go to Bed Like a Normal Person

Respond to ex-boyfriend's email in what I think is incredibly subtle, superior way, but is, in fact, glaringly obvious and kind of nonsensical.

Scrub my toilet (vomiting provides a unique POV from which to view the detrimental effects of splashback)

Buy scratchoff lotto tickets (Cashword variety). Win. Rejoice. Go to sleep and forget about it. Wake up, win again. Rejoice again.

Watch TV shows that I have DVRed, erase them. Go to sleep, forget what I watched. Wake up, regret.

Vow to write a seminal play/book/article, make mark on the world, enter annals of history. Go to sleep. Wake up. Don't write seminal play/book/article, make mark on the world, enter annals of history.

Dance "sexily" in front of mirror. Marvel at the picture of grace and elegance that is me.

Eat Slim Jims by, like, the gross.

Spill shit everywhere.

Listen to Stevie Winwood's greatest hits, feel great love for the world and all of the little quirks that we call life, soar on cloud of possibility. Go to sleep and forget about it. Wake up, scratch self, face another bleak day of quiet desperation and indecision.