La parapluie

Why would someone make an umbrella smaller than the width of the human body? Why? Sure, it fits in my purse, but in doing so, it becomes completely nonfunctional. There are certain inventions that serve very distinct purposes and cannot be improved upon, and should not be- toilet paper, flyswatters, umbrellas. It is comforting to think that primitive people wiped their asses and swatted flies in much the same way that we do now; it means that these are good and true inventions, necessary to our survival. But when someone (I'm looking at you, Totes) goes and fucks with the basics....it makes me very angry, that's all. Angry and wet. If I were the Hulk or a Gremlin, someone would be paying hell for this.