Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Side Effects of Gastric Bypass Surgery that They Don't Really Talk About

This past weekend's visit with my mother for the first time since she had gastric bypass surgery in April revealed a lot of seldom-talked-about side effects of the surgery.

1. Excessive preachiness. All of a sudden, the ability and/or the desire to eat more than 1/2 cup of food indicates the start of a gluttonous downward spiral into obesity.

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up You know who else has to have their food intake regulated so they don't potentially eat so much their stomach explodes? Dogs. Also, goldfish, but that doesn't make as sharp a point.

2. Rebuking others' any and all attempts to defend their weight with the phrase "That's how it started for me, too". Including the seemingly impenetrable "I'm thin, I don't overeat, and I watch my weight."

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up I imagine every story that ends with getting fat starts with the putting of food into one's mouth. I think the important part here is not to gloss over the middle decades, which involve getting pregnant at a young age and then consuming multiple bags of black-market-Cheetos knockoffs "Jax".

3. Forsaking of the AMA approved Body Mass Index. The very same BMI that told the insurance company that they should pay for your snazzy new surgery is apparently completely wrong when it says that someone else is of below average weight.

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up Any other scientifically proven formulas you want to dismiss because they don't make you right? Gravity? The heliocentric system? Simple addition?

Unsurprisingly, "Sated Sated Hippos" did well in the West African market.

4. Inability to shop like a normal person. Apparently it's much more difficult to buy clothing once you leave the safe confines of Shapeless Frocks and Scrubs-R- Us.

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up I understand you've always wanted to say you're petite. But when you wear a size XL in petite, it's kind of redundant. Also, you're not allowed to wear men's clothes and shoes anymore, because I already have a father.

5. Automatic assumption that you were some sort of cautionary tale that makes others want to eat less. All gastric bypass recipients should be paired up for the ordering of meals and takeout. Just because you "can't eat a whole order" doesn't mean that any of the rest of us want to split.

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up If you're not willing to eat the leftovers tomorrow, you better learn to live off condiments and oyster crackers.

6. Constant keeping of a haughty, running tally of weight lost. Wait, so you're rubbing it in that someone had to essentially remove part of your stomach? Is this what it takes to get bragging rights nowadays?

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up I could lose 20 pounds a month, too, if only they could get rid of these pesky arms.

To be honest, I'm just greatful this didn't go the way of the gall bladder removal she had when I was twelve, in which I went to her hospital room to find her proudly displaying her stones. I half expected to show up and have her excitedly shove part of her large intestine in my face, screaming "Lookie! Lookie! Lookie!"

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At July 26, 2006 9:05 AM, Blogger fuzzymuffin said...

lol. After your birthday you should send this to her in the post.

At July 26, 2006 9:35 AM, Blogger Ben said...

Did the doctors happen to tell her that 4 out of 10 have post-surgery complications, and 1 out of those 4 dies?

Eat less. Walk more. The secret to my success.

At July 26, 2006 12:16 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Great post!

I hope your birthday rewards more than equal the satisfaction you denied yourself.

At July 27, 2006 11:39 AM, Anonymous that chinese kid said...

Wow. Hell point for you, nice work.

Excited to eat fried things tomorrow.

At July 29, 2006 4:50 PM, Blogger babyjewels said...

That was hysterical and you're very controlled for not giving her any comebacks.

At July 30, 2006 10:50 PM, Anonymous Rachel said...

I knew this girl who had a gastric bypass and she was incredibly proud that consuming five peas made her full. hmm.

At August 01, 2006 10:04 PM, Blogger shirley said...

Sounds like a highway to me. Traffic must be congested.

At August 02, 2006 10:20 AM, Blogger TinaPoPo said...

Oy ve.

You have so much more self-control than I do.

Which, I believe, could lead me down the road to gastric bypass surgery.

At August 02, 2006 5:06 PM, Blogger Kate said...

When I was in 8th grade, my mother used to ask me if I had my period because I was looking "a little bloaty" and when I replied no, she'd be like, "Well, I think it's time to sign you up for travel soccer again".
She would then proceed to eat an entire box of Snackwell's cookies.

At August 16, 2006 9:20 AM, Blogger Ryan Jett said...

Very nice. This was funnier than a barrel full of delicious monkeys.


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