Side Effects of Gastric Bypass Surgery that They Don't Really Talk About

This past weekend's visit with my mother for the first time since she had gastric bypass surgery in April revealed a lot of seldom-talked-about side effects of the surgery.


1. Excessive preachiness. All of a sudden, the ability and/or the desire to eat more than 1/2 cup of food indicates the start of a gluttonous downward spiral into obesity.

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up You know who else has to have their food intake regulated so they don't potentially eat so much their stomach explodes? Dogs. Also, goldfish, but that doesn't make as sharp a point.


2. Rebuking others' any and all attempts to defend their weight with the phrase "That's how it started for me, too". Including the seemingly impenetrable "I'm thin, I don't overeat, and I watch my weight."

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up I imagine every story that ends with getting fat starts with the putting of food into one's mouth. I think the important part here is not to gloss over the middle decades, which involve getting pregnant at a young age and then consuming multiple bags of black-market-Cheetos knockoffs "Jax".


3. Forsaking of the AMA approved Body Mass Index. The very same BMI that told the insurance company that they should pay for your snazzy new surgery is apparently completely wrong when it says that someone else is of below average weight.

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up Any other scientifically proven formulas you want to dismiss because they don't make you right? Gravity? The heliocentric system? Simple addition?

Unsurprisingly, "Sated Sated Hippos" did well in the West African market.

4. Inability to shop like a normal person. Apparently it's much more difficult to buy clothing once you leave the safe confines of Shapeless Frocks and Scrubs-R- Us.

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up I understand you've always wanted to say you're petite. But when you wear a size XL in petite, it's kind of redundant. Also, you're not allowed to wear men's clothes and shoes anymore, because I already have a father.

5. Automatic assumption that you were some sort of cautionary tale that makes others want to eat less. All gastric bypass recipients should be paired up for the ordering of meals and takeout. Just because you "can't eat a whole order" doesn't mean that any of the rest of us want to split.

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up If you're not willing to eat the leftovers tomorrow, you better learn to live off condiments and oyster crackers.


6. Constant keeping of a haughty, running tally of weight lost. Wait, so you're rubbing it in that someone had to essentially remove part of your stomach? Is this what it takes to get bragging rights nowadays?

Witty comeback I couldn't say because my birthday is coming up I could lose 20 pounds a month, too, if only they could get rid of these pesky arms.

To be honest, I'm just greatful this didn't go the way of the gall bladder removal she had when I was twelve, in which I went to her hospital room to find her proudly displaying her stones. I half expected to show up and have her excitedly shove part of her large intestine in my face, screaming "Lookie! Lookie! Lookie!"