Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Animal husbandry. Delicious.

Awhile back, when conversing with a vegetarian friend-well, not actually vegetarian, because they eat fish, and not actually a friend, because I'd never be friends with a vegetarian- anyway, I was shooting the shit with someone, and I asked him why he'd become a vegetarian. Having once spent a year as a vegetarian, for no reason other than boredom and inability to cook meat safely, I'm curious as to why people would choose not to partake of the most majestic creatures that God put on earth (for us to kill). Sometimes I'll get some spiel about not liking the taste (bullshit), I have one friend who's worried about contracting Mad Cow seven years from now (bullshit as well, nevertheless, she'll be eaten first in the event of an Andean plane crash), but most of all, people tell me that they don't want to harm animals, or more succintly-and-self-righteously put, "I won't eat anything with a face". Nice gesture, but this reverence really only pays off if God turns out to be either a Veggie Tale or a member of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

No one's explained the concept of V-8 to them yet.

Despite their smug respect for all living things, when I ask most of these Face Vegetarians if they miss any particular meat product, they immediately start salivating and going on about burgers and steaks with the sort of crazed zest that makes you retract your extremities. So I was thinking, suppose someone were to open up a restaurant that only served animals that had died of natural causes*? Just keep a big range out back, with cows and chickens and whatever heavenly creature bacon comes from, let'em graze, and then when they croak (peacefully, in their sleep, surrounded by their family), hack them up into choice cuts and charge a ridiculous price. It's the perfect conscience loophole for protein-starved veggies, and anyone who's ever been to a Whole Foods knows that these people will shell out for just about anything that claims to be healthy and organic. ("I'm organic," I always say. "Completely carbon-based. Eat me?").

The Chinese takeout version of my restaurant.

It'll probably only work in the more touchy-feely markets like Vermont and Northern California, but I figure I can get a mail-order side business going as well**. If the publicity brings more customers than I have barnyard animals, there might have to be a well-timed outbreak of Old Age, but I figure after the first couple of years, I'll probably get the numbers down. See? Everyone wins.

Vegans, though, they can go fuck themselves.

*Natural causes includes cancer and Alzheimer's and whatnot. This IS a business, people.

**I also have an idea for a Stoner Snack Shack, in which I just lay out bulk tubs tubs of ice cream and raw doughs on the floor, toss on a Phish song (one is long enough), and charge each person $10 for a spoon. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even need to wash the spoons.

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At July 19, 2006 5:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i myself am thinking of going on the all processed foods diet. cheetos hurt no one. they just leave orange particles of deliciousness scattered about.

At July 19, 2006 8:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love animals, with a side of mashed potatoes.

At July 20, 2006 3:11 PM, Anonymous short asian 4416 alum said...

The best part of cooked animals is when you cook them just enough so that they still ooze blood out... steaming tasty blood that emerges as you slice through the seared flesh.

At July 20, 2006 3:33 PM, Blogger Dessa said...

i dont think i need to be stoned to enjoy the stoner snack shack. but i would like a clean spoon.

At July 20, 2006 4:23 PM, Blogger Ben said...

It's funny, because I only eat anything with a face. Cows, pigs, sheep, goats, fish, rabbits--whatever! If it's got a face, there's a good chance I want to eat it.

I even make a face out of my mashed potatoes, carrots, and green beans. It's the only way I can eat them.

At July 23, 2006 6:30 PM, Blogger shirley said...

Droool. Did I tell you that J took me to Ruth's Chris last weekend? De-LISH. I vow that if I ever win the lotto, I will take you there for a steak dinner once a week. Like church for animal-eating heathens.

At July 24, 2006 3:45 PM, Blogger Little Late, Dear said...

What I can't stand is people who say we aren't "meant" to eat meat. What on earth do they think those sharp pointy teeth of ours are for? Ripping apart the flesh of a dangerous wild Tofurkey? People are stupid.

At July 26, 2006 7:34 AM, Blogger Samantha said...

The Stoner Snack Shack sounds like a fantastic idea, but don't forget the Doritos and slices of bread :)

At July 26, 2006 9:47 AM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

"Not eating anything with a face", I'm glad my husband doesn't prescribe to THAT thinking.

At August 02, 2006 5:00 PM, Blogger Kate said...

When I was in Budapest, I ate at least 4 lbs worth of salami flavored chips. I also ate chips that were shaped like crocodiles (open mouths and all). I dare any vegetarian to go to Eastern Europe and not die of dairy poisoning (since that's all they can eat over there) within 36 hours.

At February 27, 2007 12:04 AM, Blogger Pipa said...

In Uni, I once grew a tomato plant by only feeding it chicken stock. Then gave the ripened tomatoes to my flatmate who was a vegan.

Ok, not I didn't. I totally made that up.

But isn't it a great idea?

At April 26, 2007 8:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! » »


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