What I Keep in my File Cabinet at Work Instead of Actual Files, OR, Testing the Limits of How Inane a Blog Can Be
1. Flask (inscription "Good Ol' Boys, Badass Toys" with a picture of a Mac truck). Picked this baby up at the 99 cent store and brought it to work during one particularly boring stretch of drone work, to share with a coworker on the roof like rebellious teens gettinh schnockered on schnapps. It seemed like it would be exciting and dangerous, but as with most events of my teenage years, was not. Turns out spreadsheets look the same with Jack as without, which is probably not an ad campaign the Jack Daniels Corporation will be snatching up anytime soon.
2. Emery boards. I take a secret pleasure in talking to someone over the phone while filing my nails like a classic bored 1980s secretary (think Janine in "Ghostbusters"). Sometimes I'll also chew gum and pretend to be extra-detached. This would be filed under "Whatever Gets You Through the Day".
3. Socks. Amongst the many injustices and dignity-strippers I face on a daily basis, I sit both below the air conditioning duct and next to a Russian, and I often have to toss these on to keep the extremities working in such a frigid climate. The thermostat control guy seems to think I'm joking when I ask him to "pee on my hands for warmth". I wish I were.
4. Frizz Ease Dream Curls Curl Perfecter. Because every working girl should look her best. I purchased this because it had an awful lot of superlative sounding promises in the name, although I want to know whose subconscious is so barren that they dream of curls. It's aight, but a bit of a letdown considering the name. Caveat Emptor, I guess.
5. Bubble Bobble Revolution for Nintendo DS. I bought this to play on my travels around Germany. I left it in my file cabinet. Maybe that's not a sob story for most people, but I near wept when I realized what had happened. There's probably a German word for "remorse for leaving your videogame at home when travelling a foriegn country". They have words for everything.
6. Aleve. For hangovers. Get off work, drink to forget work, wake up, go to work, take Aleve to forget drinking to forget work, repeat. Round and round like a circle game.
7. Approx. seven hundred pieces of Banana Laffy Taffy. The day after Halloween is a very good day to be the only person on the planet who likes banana flavored taffy. One night, I'm going to have a dinner composed entirely of taffy, to make my 9-year-old self proud.
8. Eye drops. For hangovers/crud in my eye. I swear to God, for someone who sits at a desk all day, you'd think I was some sort of camel for all the crap that gets in my eyes.