Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Slightly More Realistic Interpretation of my Company's Required Sexual Harassment Training Video and Dialogue Part II

Start here.

Oh! Hey Bobby.

Yeah, that's it, Carrie. Act normal. Maybe he'll think someone else ratted him out for attempted rape at the office yesterday.

Don't talk to me!

The silent treatment? Really, Bobby? That's your follow-up to rape threats? Perhaps "copycat" would have been too harsh.


Did we really need a whole slide for "What?" You forced poor bit player Jack to fit his entire soliliquy on the noblesse oblige of the Human Resources department into one closeup and this is what gets documented for posterity's sake?

Jack just told me about your bogus complaint! I even got written up! Heh, I've got my options too. It may not be today, or tomorrow, but I'm gonna get even! I'm gonna get you!

Option#1: Get Carrie today. Option #2: Get Carrie tomorrow. Option #3: This week's a little busy, but eventually get Carrie. Option #4: Eh, maybe just grab a bite to eat, take a snarling break. I'm exhausted.

What's the matter with you? You look terrible.

Wait, who's this? Where'd Bobby and Carrie go? Chekhov's gun, man. You can't get me all vested in Carrie's maidenhood and then slip in Mac from Night Court and expect me to just not notice. Though I have been wondering what Jack's been up to.

I was at our client's office, Spice Boy Magazine. And the Technology Manager over there, Conrad, has been hitting on me.

I take that back. This is far, far more interesting. Also, how much of a letdown is it to get hired as the Technology Manager at Spice Boy Magazine? Does anyone even bother to clear their browsing history?

Come on. You're just paranoid because Spice Boy is a gay magazine. What, did he say you were cute? Did he say you had a nice...

For a corporate instructional video, I have to say, this thing is doing just a terrific fucking job of building suspense. If it turns out Conrad is Keyser Soze, then this is gonna tie up a lot of loose ends for me.

Now wait a minute Jack. That's not funny! I thought the guy was joking until today when he invited me over to his house for dinner. For the past month, he's been making suggestive comments. And now he invites me to dinner?

I don't even want to know how "suggestive" those comments could have been if they all culminated in a casserole. I can't think of the last time one of my gay friends propositioned someone without some conjugation of the word "gargle".

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At November 17, 2009 3:05 PM, Blogger Charice said...

All we need is Dan and Bull and we can call this a wrap.

At November 17, 2009 7:39 PM, Anonymous waydown said...

Well done. And I apologize for owning Bobby's shirt.

At November 18, 2009 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What kind of casserole? Sausage and meatballs? You are hysterical!

At December 04, 2009 7:41 AM, Blogger Wade Garrett said...

The gargle joke made me snarf my coffee. Congrats.


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