The Internal Monologue of an Attendeee of True Love's Secret Santa Exchange

Partridge in a Pear Tree
Kind of underwhelming to kick this off with a run-of-the-mill pheasant. Man, am I glad this isn't a Yankee swap. Though, hey, pears for life.

Two Turtledoves
Assuming a law of non-diminishing returns, this present is actually worth four turtledoves in the bush. If you play the futures market right, you could really turn a tidy profit on your initial investment at Cash4Turtledoves.com.

Three French Hens
Is France known for its high quality hens? Say what you will about the frogs, but between horns, hens, and bread, they've really got us by the balls come December.

Four Calling Birds
Grand Avian Count is now up to 10. Better hope they all like pear stew, or there's going to be an awfully merry burlap sack floating down the river.

Five Golden Rings
Quick thinking with the jewelry, guy. My set of caramel popcorn tins was starting to look pretty good.

Six Geese a-Laying
Well, that was short-lived. But hey, omelettes.

Seven Swans a-Swimming
What the hell? Was there some sort of fire sale at Birds 'R Us? Give it a rest. She's still got calling bird leftovers in the fridge.

Eight Maids a-Milking
It'd be nice if someone could bring eight icebox cakes a-cooking or something, as this week's been pretty protein-heavy. Hmm, I can't picture what my kid's face looks like.

Nine Ladies Dancing
Not even gonna ask about the Ninth Afternoon of Christmas. I assume this one's payback for the ballroom dancing classes she got you for your birthday.

Ten Lords a-Leaping
You know, just ten Lords a-standing would suffice. Don't blow your wad before the home stretch.

Eleven Pipers Piping
Hey, you want an entire reed section's sloppy seconds, that's your call. God, I hope I DVRed Modern Family.

Twelve Drummers Drumming
Knock it off with the slow reveal. You've smuggled in 50 people and 24 birds in the past two weeks. The jig is up.