Wednesday, December 10, 2008

You Are What You Eat

I've long been obsessed with cannibalism, even considering myself to be a cannibalologist of sorts; I dare whoever flagged my Wikipedia page to prove otherwise, as I could probably tell them more about the mouthfeel of, well, mouths better than their owners. I've read all the literature, I've watched the right materials, I've seen just about every zombie movie ever made, and in the same way that writing about wine makes you crave a nice bordeaux and talking about Goldschlager makes you crave poor decisions , well, you get the picture. At first I thought it was the wendigo , but now I realize it's just carnivorous appreciation. I would like to eat human.

Off the hook.

Most people, when they hear this (it comes up more often than you'd think, if you does not equal me), assume that I'm referring those hypothetical situations in which one is without any food source but still has access to cooking utensils-- Jack Shephard didn't think it happened often, either--but if I were presented with the opportunity right now, at this very moment, then I'd dive right in, then make some crack about 'finger foods" to alleviate the attention that I imagine mounts when your coworker eats another human being in the break room. Of course, it would need to be OKed by said menu item, it'd have to be legally OK (or at least hard to prosecute), and it would have to be prepared in a manner in which one typically eats meat (though not marsala, I hate that shit). But I'd still eat it.

I'm on a current quest to eat an entire animal, nose-to-ass (fish and pigs excluded--I'm not an amateur), just so I can feel even smugger about my place on the food chain, and to eat an entire person would just feel so tremendously self-satisfying (obviously it would have to be someone smaller than me cough DeVito). I'd even be willing to let a fellow connoisseur eat me after I'm gone if they'd offer the same consideration, though obviously we'd have to set up some weird, double-blinded Secret Santa-type agreement with others so we wouldn't end up killing each other when we got hungry, or a Facebook group at the very least.

Well, at least the sommelier question is answered.

This also raises the question of which part to eat first, or at all, assuming that some of the rarer parts would be out of my price range. More importantly, which ethnicity do I want to cook it? The French do some nice sauces, but that might disctract from the taste; I trust Eastern Europeans with meat, but not near me with knives. I think the only ones who can handle this is the Chinese--their stoic, hardscrabble nature keep them from balking at the concept and the grittier aspects, and they're used to cooking the full range of organs and parts, and I could have an egg roll to start.

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At December 10, 2008 5:41 PM, Blogger Monkey Did said...

It's a deal. I will gladly donate my organs to your dinner table. I'm about double-Devito-sized, but I figure you can eat half and jerky the other half for later.

At December 10, 2008 9:16 PM, Blogger Mike said...

What do you have against Orkian flesh with chianti ?

At December 11, 2008 1:06 PM, Anonymous headlessclone said...

For $480 you and several friends can eat a whole pig at Daisy May's. Should I send out the E-vite?

At December 14, 2008 9:22 AM, Blogger TFKoP said...

Well, you live in America, so why not start with that great American treat, a hand-burger?


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