Friday, May 04, 2007

Cool Ways to Die

Duel (fencing and/or pistol)
Now, assuming there’s an afterlife, or at the very least, some sort of celestial watering hole in which people sit around and drink Michelob Ultra (not my choice, Anheuser-Busch just has their hands in everything) and shoot the shit, well, I imagine that after the 1,834th time a guy tells the story of how his fatal heart attack “really came out of nowhere”, ears will definitely perk up when you casually mention that time you got pierced through the heart for defending a woman’s honor/sleeping with the Earl’s youngest daughter. The nice part is, even if you were in the wrong, the other guy looks like a dick, especially if you start a vicious rumor that he “totally turned on 9”. I’d love to see the look on the other guy’s face when his wizened old spirit steps into the bar decades later and millions of angry dead people start whispering.

Remaining Behind on a Giant Asteroid Heading Towards Earth to Push the Detonation Button, Thereby Saving Mankind
I didn’t say it had to be probable. But you’d definitely get a statue or a fountain or something.

Coming Into Contact with Someone Composed of Your Exact Antimatter
If only for the moment immediately after the implosion, in which you look over at the other soul floating up to heaven beside you, put out your hand, and say “So anyways. I’m _____. Nice to meet you.”

Falling Into a Giant Vat of Liquid Nitrogen
Because somewhere out there, there is a scientist who has just been dying to know what would happen, and scientists need to have their frat boy itch scratched, too. Also, a nice memento for your family.

Eating Brussel Sprouts
Conclusive proof that it actually does kill you. It sucks to have to be the one to take it for the team, but millions of kids the world over would be vindicated.

Devastating and As Yet Unnamed Disease
I’m not sure on the specifics of this sort of thing, but after the media covers your heartbreaking battle with the mystery disease and then mourns your passing, I think it’s only fair that they name the disease after you, immortalizing you forever. Alois Alzheimer didn’t stand a chance of having his name remembered until he tacked it onto a disease. Especially not by, you know, Alzheimer’s patients.

Asshole Cancer Coupled with the Flesh-Eating Virus*
*If you’re the guy that sits across from me at work who changed his ringtone to “Bagpipes”. And only cool for me.

During Sex with a Famous Person
Because though it would be gauche for you to bang-and-tell, you can’t help it if the media does it for you. There are worse curtain calls than riding George Clooney.

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At May 06, 2007 11:20 PM, Anonymous your texas boy said...

i've gotta say that this one is not totally clear to me:

Coming Into Contact with Someone Composed of Your Exact Antimatter
If only for the moment immediately after the implosion...

is this some scifi shit i don't know about? sounds scary!

At May 07, 2007 4:02 PM, Blogger craig said...

No, it's fact! Your anti-self looks exactly like you do, except they have a goatee. So, you know, steer clear of that guy.

At May 08, 2007 12:59 AM, Blogger JMH said...

As always, your posts are good for a grin and sometimes a belly laugh and sometimes a fatal seizure.

At May 08, 2007 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was having heart arrhythmia and thought maybe it was because I ate brussel sprouts every night. My doctor was doubtful, but when I knocked off the sprouts, my heartbeat went back to normal. Go figure.

At May 15, 2007 1:41 PM, Blogger copyranter said...

how bout getting picked up by a tornado and thrown three miles?

At August 22, 2008 11:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Antimatter is essentially the exact opposite of matter. picture cutting out cookies, with yourself as the cookie and antimatter as the hole left in the sheet of dough. Antimatter is created in exact proportion to matter when it is created in particle accelerators by sending one particle beam into another in opposite directions with speeds that can be 99.99% the speed of light. for a better and simple explanation, read the first few chapters of Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. Assume all scientific mentioning is true.

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