That Which We Call a Rose
Word comes to me that there is standup comedian/magician with my same name making the rounds of New York, doing the sort of damage typically wrought by people who call themselves standup comedians/magicians and soiling my good name. A lifetime of living with a name so ridiculously common that at times I think I’d be better off being referred to by a number or bar code has made it so that these mixups aren’t surprising—there was a particularly annoying incident with my Burger King Kids Club membership as a child that cemented my MickeyD’s loyalty for a lifetime, if only to avoid the red tape—but that doesn’t mean that I don’t get a little curious about the other namesakes out there, and feel in competition with them. After a lifetime of username rejections and the ensuing replacement “suggestions” that go with them—I’d rather not have my Amazon login read like Cathy swearing at her fridge—I managed to score a coup in getting my first and last name as a gmail address, putting me at the top of the rankings and sending a fuck-you to the other Rubber Buns and Liquors of the world. As an added bonus, I often receive their emails, and I feel secure that their lives are not as interesting as mine, most likely due to the downward spiral caused by the loss of their preferred Google login.
Sucks for you, but sucks even worse for people named jch337ds.
You can tell a lot about a person by which shortened variation of their name they pick. Johns that stay Johns aren’t nearly as much fun to drink with as ones that become Jacks, and Elizabeths that become Lizzes are much less likely to be caught reading their boyfriend’s incoming text messages than ones that become Ibbys and Betsys. Mine is as it is for brevity/ease in barking, so that if something heavy is falling towards me, I have a slight millisecond head start on getting out of the way (downside being that I also answer to the word “genocide”). My full name being the result of two highly unsentimental people who accidentally mixed their DNA at a young age—I’m half surprised I wasn’t named after the nearest object in my father’s line of vision as he filled out the social security form—I’ve always had a fascination with names and how they shape a person, and vice versa. Is a girl named Lola because her parents were certain of her genetic blessing, or did the societal pressure of being hot enough to be worthy of the name Lola shape her physical appearance? Do men named Sully tropistically punch immoveable objects, or is it a learned behavior that comes from being surrounded by the type of men that hang out with guys named Sully?
Now disappointing in Christmas stockings near you!
Emily- Stop naming your kids Emily. The market is saturated. I cannot describe to you the heartbreak of being a young girl who is unable to get pencils or miniature license plates with your name on them. If my childhood were a sad French movie, it would just be 60 silent minutes of a small brunette child staring at a sign that says “Out of stock”, and then she’d light a cigarette and the screen would go black.
Grace- A gorgeous name, which somehow got hijacked by the Asians. I was OK with the fact that they look damn near immortal and their mp3 players are smarter than I am, but losing “Grace” was sort of the last straw for me .
March/April/May/June - There seems to be an unspoken rule against naming a child after the month they’re born in, but what about the month they were conceived in? I think that’s probably the best way to teach your children about contraception.
Jane- If one were to do a highly unscientific psychological probe of women named Jane, they could probably pinpoint the exact moment at which issues began to form as that in which the other schoolchildren learned the phrase “Plain Jane”, and Janes the world over began to act out against the rhyme through various bodily mutilations, fornications, and general sass. I’ve always thought an interesting addendum to the study would be to measure the amount of rebellion between attractive girls named Jane and ugly girls named Jane, for whom “plain” is actually an upgrade.
Sarah- Sarahs are rebelling against the book “Sarah, Plain and Tall,” so they’re much like Janes, only slightly sluttier.
Clyde- Started off as the go-to name for geeks, but then the black man went and surreptitiously took this one over. It’s still a damn geeky name, but I’m much less likely to raise that point to a cruiserweight than my IT guy.
Jason- Good God, are there a lot of gay men named Jason. I assume this is due to the ease with which children figure out the childhood taunt of “Gay-son”.
Harry- What a good guy Harry is. Everyone knows and likes Harry. If I were named Harry, I would spend the first part of my life trading in on this, then I would rob (Rob) all my friends blind and move to another city. Let the other Harrys of the world make up for it.
William and Richard- I wonder if somewhere back in the lineages of medieval kings, a decree was made that no male name can have amongst its variations/shortenings more than one euphemism for the male penis. I would think so, because I have a hard time keeping a straight face every time I say “Bill”, and no one else seems to notice.
Kyle- Douchebag name. No reason.
122 Comments:
My god. "Grace" -- genius. I know, literally, eight asian girls named Grace. I think that's too many.
You.....complete me.
You really are an absolutely phenomenal writer. Seriously, your talent is so amazing, your mama should have named you Grace.
Man, I love that line.
Of course they don't get caught. Lizzes are much quicker than Ibbys, and, unlike Betsys, they know that the good dirt is in the email. Obvs.
Oh man, I wasn't supposed to type that out loud.
Thank god you are back Miss Buns.
I have an unusual name, and I've always loved that. I gave my kids none main-stream names, and I think they like it too. But, I totally remember the whole "name license plate" thing--mine weren't sold out, they were non-existant. There's no "Lydia" plate out there.
That being said, everyone cool today goes by a nickname anyway, and what with internet ID theft and border guards using Google to deny you entry into their country (Canada and the USA both, duh), nicknames are just common sense.
Signing off as...
Commander Zot, Punisher of Worlds.
From one girl whose-name-was-in-the-top-five-most-common-the-year-we-were-both-born to another: great post.
And if you want kids to learn about contraception through their name, maybe you should have been called "Pre-Marital Surprise."
You're right. The path of least resistance to the "GAY-son! GAY-son!" taunt is, "Hey, why not?"
Indeed, thank god you are back Miss Buns! Your posts are humorous and well written- thank you.
I too suffer from Common Name Syndrome. It's not so bad though. Apparently a lot of the people who have my same name are actually pretty cool!! So I got that going for me ...
But my real question is about the title of your blog. When I was in like maybe 5th grade, we used to tell one of those stupid setup jokes where you tell the other kid that they have to say "rubber balls and liquor" to whatever you ask them. So you ask them a series of questions ending with "What did you do with your girlfriend yesterday?" Yeah, it was idiotic, but hey I was like 10. Anyhow, the question is, if your blog's title derives from some joke or lymeric, would you please write it for your readers?
Thanks!
:)
If your depression at the shortage of your license plate is like a sad French film, then the utter non-existence of my name (Hilary) in the world of pointless toys and trinkets is like a Russian film that no one will ever see. It's precisely how popular I felt, too. So thanks, museum gift shop, for validating my unhealthy view of myself.
Love the post!
My daughter's name is April. She was conceived in March and born early, in October.
But we adopted her so she came to us pre-named. Otherwise we could have named her something clever. Like Apple or Shiloh.
mmm, jason will never get tired of all these gay jokes. never!!
I was one of 5 Kimberlys in my kindergarten class. And no, my last name is not unique either. It haunts me to this day.
My mother used to confuse my name with the cat's. My childhood is dotted with memories of dear mater yelling down the street, "Blah, I mean, BLAAH! Dinner!" The psychological damage was irreperable, and the cat wasn't particularly thrilled about the repeated disappointment of an empty food bowl.
I've got a predictable problem with Jacks, as the first Jack I knew force fed me dandelions during a kindergarten show-&-tell.
I love your posts. I'm a Becca, which was especially fun during the Life Goes On era, when kids would run up and ask me "Hey, where's Corky?"
BTW, women named Kyle are NOT douchebags.
I could never, ever find anything with my name on it as a child and it was devastating. My mom would have to pay extra to get my name sewn on to things just to make me happy.
God I was a nerd.
I never got "Gayson" growing up, and even I turned out to be the biggest fruit in fruitland. And even the straight Jason's I know are a little gay.
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!
I miss you, please come back.
Jenn...you have fans...return to us!
Stick a fork in her... She's DONE.
Have a little patience readers! Ms. Buns' posts are thoughtful and polished, and not the typical crap that you and I might be posting. She'll post when she's good and ready.
When are you blogging again!?
On an unrelated topic...I bet you're hot.
I worked for a restaurant manager named Kyle and he was a MAJOR douche. I, too, was always vexed by the license plates and pencil selection. Never a Noelle.
Need new post.
how bout a new post?
It has been too long--I am going to boycott your site.
Okay that was a bluff...but come on, hook it up!
You left in the middle of summer..
how cruel.
We should carry out a long conversation amongst ourselves until Jen pops in again. Then this place will feel alive again ... right?
Yeah.
How about Tiffany? Ever notice how they are all tinted slightly orange and always bitches?
Just a thought!
Perhaps you should do your research before you assume that a person sharing your name is doing it damage. While I have enjoyed your writing, I think the air of superiority that makes it fun to read is the same adorable little flaw that led you to assume that anything else with the same brand name can't possibly have have it's own flavor and be original. Stop making me look bad, lady!
that is like FUCKIN FUNNY!!!
OHHHH so fudging funnie
I remember never beeing able to find a license plate that says : Sadie or Mercedes
or my little bro never got one that says Tucker we never got to forgive our parents for doing that to us!! it was such a ripoff! i want a license plate now
!!! but the bus won't let me change it for them!!
i alwise wanted a girl named cecelia! i think it is such a pretty and origional name.
i alwise wanted a daughter named cecelia
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Идеальный побег / A Perfect Getaway / 2009
Трансформеры: Месть падших / Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen / 2009
Джонни Д / Public Enemies / 2009
Монстри проти чужих / Монстры против пришельцев / Monsters vs Aliens / 2009
Стэн Хельсинг / Stan Helsing / 2009
О, счастливчик! / 2009
Нянька по вызову / The Rebound / 2009
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Парк культуры и отдыха / Adventureland / 2009
Крик совы / The Cry of the Owl / 2009
Побег из ГУЛАГа / So weit die Fuesse tragen (As Far As My Feet Will Carry Me) / 2001
Дорогуша / Cheri / 2009
Крыша / 2009
Суррогаты / Surrogates / 2009
Гарри Поттер и Принц-полукровка / Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince / 2009
Поворот не туда 3 / Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead [UNRATED] / 2009
Луна 2112 / Moon / 2009
Последний день будущего / Evilution / 2008
Опасные пассажиры поезда 123 / The Taking of Pelham 123
Предложение / The Proposal / 2009
Бросок кобры / G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra / 2009
Миссия Дарвина / G-Force / 2009
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Бабник / Spread / 2009
Интимные подробности холостяцкой жизни / Cruising Bar 2 / 2008
Невеста любой ценой / 2009
Дитя тьмы / Orphan / 2009
Девять / 9 / 2009
Представь себе / Imagine That / 2009
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Налоговики - миллионеры... БУСАРЕВ ВЯЧЕСЛАВ ВАЛЕНТИНОВИЧ Украина, АР Крым, г.Симферополь.
Не для кого не секрет, что экономика Украины в настоящее время находится в кризисе. Не смотря на это, есть специалисты, которые под ширмой государственных служащих работают против государства, которое доверило им занимать высокие должности, оплачивает достойную заработную плату, но …?!
Одним из таких деятелей, является БУСАРЕВ ВЯЧЕСЛАВ ВАЛЕНТИНОВИЧ - председатель налоговой службы АР Крым. Личность, которую можно поставить в пример многим политикам, ведь Вячеслав Бусарев получил старт в карьере государственного служащего когда у власти была Партия Регионов, однако, остался при должности и до настоящего времени, когда Партия Регионов находится в оппозиции, а все почему?! Все очень просто, В.Бусарев работает на свой карман, а не для бюджета Украины, «кормит» вышестоящее руководство ГНА Украины и остается «своим» при любой власти в стране. Перейду к конкретике, подтверждающей все выше изложенное.
Существует такое понятие «налоговая яма», это предприятие, которое создает затратную часть предприятий-контрагентов посредством предоставления им налогового кредита. Проще говоря, помогает предприятиям контрагентам завышать свои затраты, тем самым минимизируя уплату налогов в бюджет, а иногда при миллионных оборотах предприятий сводит уплату налогов в бюджет к нулю. Как Вы понимаете, деятельность таких предприятий должна быть незамедлительно пресечена налоговой службой, но, под непосредственным контролем В.Бусарева на территории АР Крым были созданы и помогали скрывать налоги предприятиям Крыма и некоторых регионов Украины следующие «налоговые ямы»:
ЧП «Зовик» (код 24504001);
ООО «Энерго-ВАН» (код 32153280);
ООО БК «Абрис-груп» (код 33608264);
ООО НТК «Энерго-тайм» (код 33898770);
ООО «Фотон 102» (код 34861343);
ЧП «Керчмет» (код 34908260);
ООО «Партенитинвест» (код 34938871);
ЧП «СЛС-груп» (код 35736934);
ООО Салтовский хлебзавод» (код 36165787);
ЧП «БУД-ТИС» (код 36165420);
ООО «Тенси» (код 36165070);
ЧП «Крым-строй-ТИС» (код 36165106);
ЧП «БУД-Т.И.С.» (код 36165394);
ЧП «ТИС» (код 36165064);
ООО «Т.И.С.-строй» (код 36165038);
ЧП «Тисстрой» (код 36165148);
ЧП «Крымтисстрой» (код 36165174);
ООО «Южсаппорт» (код 36275069);
ООО «Латем плюс» (код 36275121);
ЧП «Крым строй поставка» (код 36478440)
ООО «Консалавто» (код 36478990);
ЧП «Сервис-Крым-Сбыт» (код 36583473);
ЧП «Крым-Сервис-Сбыт» (код 36583447);
ЧП «Сбыт-Крым-Сервис» (код 36583384).
Почему то, при якобы тотальном контроле со стороны налоговой, указанные выше субъекты без проведения проверок перестают работать, а на их месте создаются в один день от трех до пяти подобных предприятий, при чем регистрируются в один день, на одних и тех же лиц, также в один день выдается свидетельство плательщика НДС, при отсутствии расчетных счетов в банках.
Все вышеуказанные предприятия «помогли» своим контрагентам скрыть от налогообложения сотни миллионов гривен, а это бюджетные деньги страны. Соответственно, за «спасибо», т.е. бесплатно, указанные предприятия не существовали бы. Поэтому предприимчивый В.Бусарев обложил данную деятельность «налогом в свой карман», а именно, ставка этого «налога» составила 0,8% от валового оборота деятельности каждого из указанных предприятий, а это в итоге миллионы гривен. Но, как Вы понимаете, без поддержки сверху, такая «деятельность» не существовала бы. Поэтому В.Бусарев должен отдавать некоторую часть денег заместителю ГНА Украины В.Кайзерману, который взамен, за это поддерживает В.Бусарева и ежемесячно либо снижает планы поступления налоговой Крыма в бюджет, либо при угрозе его невыполнения корректирует в сторону уменьшения.
На указанном примере работы В.Бусарева, становится понятно, каким образом налоговики становятся миллионерами.
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